If I trained in martial arts how long would it take until I defy gravity and levitate to do my kicks?

You know like crouching tiger ...?every martial art movie they float and I want to too!


Please help

If I trained in martial arts how long would it take until I defy gravity and levitate to do my kicks?
First you must become a TRUE Ninja. To be a Ninja, you must first complete a "Ninternship" under a true Ninja consisting of no less than a full MONTH of training in the mysterious art of Tai Bo. During week one, you will learn how to jumpflip backwards into trees, run along walls, and clean your Gi by simply punching all dirt and odor from it.


Week 2 consists of walking through walls (preferrably without getting stuck- you do NOT want your book club to come over and see your rear end sticking partially out of your front room wall), turning Ninvisible, dividing by zero, touching MC Hammer, and ALWAYS knowing the exact location of Carmen San Diego.


Week 3 involves punching so fast that people actually get hit yesterday. These punches actually alter DNA so that years after you hit someone, their children will clutch their heads and say "HEY!! WHAT WAS THAT!!??""


Week 4 you work on Brokeback Mountain. No not the movie about gay cowboys, but the pile of dead pirates in your backyard. You find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, and how to smell fear.


Graduation occurs when you can jumpstart cars but putting cables on your nipples, and take a shower by riding a 9 foot tall Grizzly Bear through a car wash. Extra credit involves stretching a daimond until it becomes coal again.


Those lucky enough to survive the Ninternship in a month that has 5 weeks will get the added benefits of learning the last digit of Pi, how to Ninjasize your meals at Burger King, and how to destroy viruses while being on the Ninjascopic level yourself.


Hope this helps...


(MUCH props to Ask a Ninja)


Sensei Cox
Reply:I'm not even going to answer this question seriously
Reply:3.7 months, but only if you work at it every day
Reply:Well......I would say about 25 minutes or so. It will really depend on how long it takes for you to find your "MOJO" and find an affordable special effects coordinator!! Good luck with that. Remember, 911 is open 24/7 just for you!
Reply:hehe


first you have to shave your head and beard so it won't weigh you down, but keep that crazy look in your eyes.


Next, use ropes and pullies to swing you around.
Reply:You should go on an ultra low-calorie diet, to enable you to train for the next 92-94 years.
Reply:it would happen now if you did a matrix movie
Reply:6 gazillion years.
Reply:As soon as you believe you can, and the rest of these guys do to. 100 monkey effect





I wonder what Bushido will say about this one





XD
Reply:It would depend on how long it took you to become talented enough to become a kung fu movie action hero. I seriously hope you are joking though. By the way , nice beard it reminds me of Grizzly Adams.
Reply:mate with a head like that you already defy all the laws of physics, gravity,biology and science.lmfao.


EDIT.you can stop wondering now.hahaha.
Reply:you will able to do it, when you dont have willing, needs for 9 holes of the body anymore, when you experience and understand "zero"
Reply:6 months of MA training. And then go to the moon and do your kicks. No alien waiting there will stand a chance against you.
Reply:You need to seek a true martial arts master like Li Mu Bai or Wong Fei Hung, but these two aren't here anymore. So now, you must find an old hermit in the mountains of China or a small farming village with a martial arts master that stays there in China.





It takes you about 200 years of training, so you must be ready.
Reply:Wow, yet another person that has lost touch with reality due to too much anime and cartoons.
Reply:With the proper cable equipment like the one the use for those movies, you can fly in a matter of minutes! if you have enough money or are computer savy, with CGI effects you can do it in a couple of months, maybe weeks.
Reply:Well, the first thing you need to do is climb to the top of Mt. Kikalakakawa. There you will find a great sorcerer and he will bestow the gift of flight upon you.





What a silly question.
Reply:depends.





The sooner you introduce LSD and crystal meth into your training the sooner you will gain this ability.
Reply:First you have to watch a lot of Matrix movies, then you have to do squats and leg curls while smoking the pot. Then you have to imagine that if you do not stay up in the air you will land on John Cena's lap!
Reply:Around 3 years of heavy practicing. You also have to think of light things like feathers, clouds, paper. Roll your eyes back into your head and stay on your tip toes.
Reply:I tell ya what. Come on down and for a couple of Benjamin$$, I can have you defying gravity and levitating. I'm a master of the


"flying" harness and indoor "crane" technique. My studio is in Burbank, CA. Hit me up "grasshoppah".